There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
