Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
