I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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