I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
