i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
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He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
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I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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