ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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