I swear god or herbie drove my car home
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
