Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
