Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
