Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
