its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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