i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
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I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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