How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
