If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
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