She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.