I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
