I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
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i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
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When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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