My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
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part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
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Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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