i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
