He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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