8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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