Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
