I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
