If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize