woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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