Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
