I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
