don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
