Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
