She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
