The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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