so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
