I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
