I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
