Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My vagina is very pro this idea
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
