Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Drunk is not a location!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize