You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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