I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
