Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
