Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I have aggressive nipples.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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