i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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