mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
