and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
