Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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