I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Oh god it's open bar.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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