I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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