Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
