you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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