I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize