watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He better not be in your backpack
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
