it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
