the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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