All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
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